


Backstage (what we didn't see in S03xE18)

by krk_random



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), malec - Fandom
Genre: Alec's thoughts during the breakup, Angst, Asmodeus Being an Asshole (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Based on the episode, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Internal Monologue, M/M, Malec, POV Third Person, Sad, Season 3 Episode 18, Shadowhunters Season 3, break-up, not an au, we only saw Magnus grieving, what happened from Alec's POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28598004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krk_random/pseuds/krk_random
Summary: How Alec Lightwood reacted when he made the decision to break up with Magnus so Asmodeus would give him his powers back.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Backstage (what we didn't see in S03xE18)

Asmodeus's words were all Alec could think about after he'd left that warlock's little shop. He was still trying to process everything the demon had told him... 

His lover's father had managed to cause him more pain than what he had felt in a long long time. And he did all that by uttering a few simple words:

_**"Break up with my son and I'll give him his magic back".**_

Break up with the love of your life so he can be happy again. 

Break yours and Magnus's heart so he can finally be whole again. 

_He wasn't Magnus's first love and he_ _ wasn't going to be his last one either.  _

He knew that if Magnus was in his place he would  take the deal without even thinking about it; or at least that's what Alec thought.

**"Magnus would do anything to make me happy..."**

He had already given up everything for him; he gave up his powers to save his parabatai. 

He had to do this for Magnus, even if it meant that it would destroy both of them.

**"Magnus will get over it... He has many more life times ahead of him. Time can heal anything"**

That's what Alec was trying to keep telling himself over and over again to make himself feel less terrible for what he was about to do. 

He didn't even take the time to think about what would happen to himself after letting his only love go. He didn't want to think about it. 

He had to break up with Magnus first so Asmodeus would keep his end of the bargain and then... then he could deal with his own feelings later. 

_Deep down he knew though... He knew that his own heart was already shattered to pieces._

All the plans he had made for him and his future husband- the plans for the wedding proposal, 

the wedding itself, even their honeymoon- 

everything was over. 

Just a few hours ago he was so eager to start calling Magnus his one and only husband, to wake up next to him every day, to have him beside him in everything, good or bad, that happened to him. To live the rest of his life with the man he loved. Before Magnus lost his powers for the second time Alec didn't even care about the fact that he'd grow old while Magnus would stay the same anymore. The important part was that they were in love with each other and their love was above all that- they would be able to make it work... They always found a way to make things work. 

_"Maybe this time... This time would be like that too..."_

Alec was fast enough to push that faint gleam of hope away from his mind. He could never be with Magnus again- no. He had to break up with him once and for all. Otherwise Asmodeus might hurt them again. And he couldn't bear to see Magnus get hurt again.

What he didn't realise was that he was about to hurt him more than anything else ever had up until now.

_He couldn't possibly know of course..._

He knew that Magnus loved him a lot, but he didn't know that he was the one for him too, that if his fate was to spend the rest of his days as a mere human being he would be more than happy to do it next to his beloved shadow hunter. 

Alec was all he had left, he was his family and the person he could count on for everything. 

With Alec he felt like he belonged. 

He was devastated about the loss of his powers but Alec was the only thing that was keeping  him together. 

He just needed time to get used to the situation... 

or at least he hoped so. 

If Magnus were to be honest with himself he'd realise that he really couldn't be the same without his magic. He was a warlock... it was his identity. Losing his powers was like losing a part of his soul.

_On the other hand, Alec had become a huge part of him too. And he would realise how important that part of him was really soon...and in a terrible way._

In less than a year that boy had broke down every wall of his and had managed to built a whole damn castle -a beautiful one- inside his heart that could never be taken down. In a few months Alec had made Magnus feel things he'd never felt before.

Magnus would never be able to let go of all his memories and all his feelings for Alexander, the same way that Alec would never love someone the way he loved the warlock ever again. 

_That's why when Alec finally decided to talk to Magnus, the warlock was devastated. He had no idea why the person he loved the most was hurting him this badly... especially during this already unbearable period of his life._

•••

_Alec had never seen Magnus beg anyone for anything ever before. He remembered how much the warlock despised feeling hopeless and counting on others. But there he was now, so completely vulnerable before his eyes... Begging him to not leave him._

Alec couldn't even look at him. 

But he couldn't move away from him either. There he stood... frozen. His eyes only half open but not able to shed any tears. 

When Magnus pressed his lips against his while his trembling hands cupped his face, when he held him like he was trying to hold onto his last and only hope of happiness and salvation, Alec thought his legs would give up on him. He’d never seen Magnus so desperate before, never heard so much despair in his voice. 

His already broken heart ached even more, he couldn’t breathe properly anymore. 

_Every cell in Alec’s body was telling him to kiss Magnus back, to take back all the horrible things he’d just told him… to stay with the man he loved._

But he couldn’t do any of that. He had to leave… It was all for the best. 

Everything he was doing was so Magnus could be happy again some day… Happy even without him.

While Magnus’s lips were still kissing him hopelessly, he tried hard to collect his pieces, to find the last ounce of courage he had left in him. And he did it. 

He finally pulled away, breaking the kiss... He immediately felt like someone punched him in the stomach. Now that he couldn’t feel Magnus’s touch anymore, his body suddenly became cold and stiff. 

It felt like his soul was ripped away from him.

“I can’t do this, I am sorry” that was all he could say, unable to even look his boyfriend in the eyes… He wasn’t even sure if he’d really said it or if he had just imagined those words coming out of his mouth. 

His lips were parted and trembling as he turned around and walked towards the door. He couldn’t believe what he had just done.

The moment his hand grabbed the doorknob his mind was screaming, his head spinning- 

_“Turn around”_

_“Hug him”_

_“Hold him and tell him you’ll never let go of him again”_

_“He needs you…”_

Even though all these thoughts were swirling around his mind like a hurricane, he didn’t hesitate for one second- he pulled the door open and left.

As he stepped out quickly, the whole world went dark around him. He couldn’t see or hear anything that was happening. He was already shutting down... running away from the world, from his emotions and most importantly himself.

He walked fast, not paying attention to anything around him. It was only when he heard the loud horn of an incoming car that almost ran over him that he realized, with a dark, withering smile, that tears were running down his cheeks, blurring his vision. He wiped them away with the back of his palm but he wasn’t able to stop more of them flowing out of his eyes. He whimpered as he tried harder to push his emotions deep down… deeper than ever before. 

But this time... this time he had completely lost control of himself. He couldn’t do it… not yet.

That’s when he started running… he didn’t even know where he was going at this point. Tears were still staining his face. 

His already exhausted, red eyes hurt like hell when the cold night wind whipped his face. 

_But he didn’t care._

The more his eyes stung and the more he felt his legs get swollen, the more he ran.

... 

_ That night he found himself outside Magnus’s apartment. He didn’t even know how his legs had brought him there. He was out of breath from both running and crying uncontrollably, but he couldn’t stop now. He had to get out of there before Magnus got back. He couldn’t face him again. _

His legs only held on for another block. That’s where he finally collapsed… Now drained of tears… drained of all his energy. His mind was blank and his heart broken. 

He stayed there, leaning on a wall until the sun came up, burning his tired, empty eyes.

_ Unable to appreciate the beauty of the sunrise, he pulled himself up in defeat and dragged his body back to the Institute. _

_ _____ _

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back in May when I was watching season 3 (the first quarantine did something good and made me watch Shadowhunters) and I've actually posted it on a different platform already but since I made this account recently I thought why not upload it here too. 
> 
> When I watched the break up episode my heart literally just broke. It was so unfair and I didn't know how things would end up going back to the way they were between Magnus and Alec (bless Maryse for helping with that) and also I thought that we were a little robbed since we basically only got to see Magnus being sad and hopeless. The first thing I thought was that Alec was probably just as hurt, if not eve more.  
> I searched for some good angst about this episode but I couldn't find any so... this happened.   
> Alec is just so so precious because he finally starts to open up and let himself feel and then this has to happen... I was quite sad while writing this but I am glad I did write it.


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